Back in May 1996, there was a little title released by 3D Realms called Duke Nukem 3D. The game used the infamous DOS-gaming character Duke Nukem to create an absurd parody of the ever popular Doom and Quake franchise. To this day, there are many from the ancient time of the 90′s who say that Duke Nukem 3D defined that generation of PC gaming with players blasting through the set-pieces, turning on sinks, and listening to crass one-liners coming straight from the mouth of Jon St. John.

Invigorated after the success of Duke Nukem 3D, 3D realms announced a sequel titled Duke Nukem Forever to release in mid-1998. It’s been fourteen years. After switching engines twice, changing development teams, the rumor to have become vaporware, and two console generations later, the Nuke has finally dropped into store shelves on the historic day of June 14th, 2011.

As I write this, it is one week later and I have completed what was once the longest-running gag in the history of video games. While it is definitely a new feeling to have reached the end-credits of a title that was announced when I was five, does this game deliver on fourteen years of development? Well, the short story is “not at all,” but of course any game that has to deliver on such a long development time will fall short of the hype it creates. However, is Duke Nukem Forever at least enjoyable?

That’s right, the self-proclaimed king of gaming has returned. As to be expected in a game with a celebrity of this caliber, the premise is fairly simple. It’s been twelve years in Duke’s world since his last adventure. Within that time-span, Duke has become exceedingly wealthy and popular, to the point he owns most of Las Vegas and women have orgasms at the sight of bulging muscles. And it is those very same women that the alien invaders have come to kidnap in their assault of Vegas and now only Duke can rescue them. Unfortunately, the President of the United States tells Duke not to get involved. While Duke defies the order shortly after, it is here where I noticed the first real problem of Duke Nukem Forever: Other characters treat Duke like a serious human-being. Due to Duke’s normal character traits, I’d expect proper retaliation to military orders would take form in Duke spouting a vulgar one-liner. Yet, he doesn’t. In fact, he just stands around silently. It’s almost as if the dialogue for the other characters belongs in some form of modern warfare shooter rather than this one.

More than just the world has changed for good ol’ Duke. The health bar that was once the norm for shooters back in the 90′s has been updated in the form of a regenerative ego-meter. Yes, Duke doesn’t need armor to fight off an alien invasion. In fact, there is a portion of the game where a character tries to give him the armor of Halo’s Master Chief. In a very fitting manner, Duke declines. This is because all Mr. Nukem needs to sprint towards a horde of enemies while being hit by hundreds of bullets is his overly inflated ego and his stereotypical machismo. That, and five seconds to hide in a corner. While this isn’t really true to the Duke Nukem ways of old, it is very fitting for the character and makes it more approachable for newcomers. Plus, with the completion of each interactive challenge, Duke’s ego-meter will permanently expand. This adds incentive for players to interact with every challenge and adds a nice mixture of gameplay, in theory.

While the forty-second load times often told me the hint that Duke can bench press six-hundred pounds, it seems he can now only carry two weapons at once. It seems like something to normally outrage about as it rids a factor that was once a core mechanic in the 90′s. Still, I actually do not mind the update to a more contemporary way of playing. Once again, it makes the game more accessible for newcomers and, quite frankly, there was never once a time where I felt limited by my weapons. It would’ve been nice to find a work around to allow for more weapons to be held at once without the use of action-killing menus, but there are much worse things in Duke Nukem that belittle the game than the lack of the character being a walking arsenal.

When the game isn’t suffering through load times and drop-in frame rate, Duke Nukem Forever attempts to play like a fairly standard shooter. You’ll spend a fraction of your time blasting through aliens and fighting colossal bosses that are immune to everything except explosions. It’s when the title provides interesting set pieces with over the top action that is becomes fairly memorable. One instance, for example, being the explosion-riddled shoot out in the village modeled off the old west. Another being any time where Duke takes his steroids and punches through every pig-cop he can find. Unfortunately, players will spend most of their time doing arbitrary puzzles, platforming sections, and trying to parody much better games. The parodies wouldn’t be so insufferable if in its attempt to be a parody, Duke Nukem Forever didn’t force the player to play through the very worst bits of the games it is seeking to parody. Sadly, they do. Although making necessary jokes where giant war vehicles running out of fuel are fine, but wandering around in poorly designed, labyrinth like caves is where the game loses focus and slips into mediocrity.

In fact, the major problem with Duke Nukem Forever isn’t with the gray aesthetic, how Duke interacts with other characters, nor is it even the technical short-comings. All those problems could be forgiven if the game knew how to pace itself. You’ll spend countless hours performing pointless tasks, yet you’ll only spend a short time being rewarded with sections that include blasting through the game’s set pieces. This makes the feel of the game seem all over the place and never trying to be true to what Duke Nukem 3D was back in 1996.

Duke Nukem Forever was never going to be a blockbuster game filled with fourteen years of development gold. After watching the older trailers for the game, which Duke Nukem Forever proudly displays once you finish the main quest, it’s clear that tons of ideas were cut and it’s not the close to the same game we were shown back in 1997. Hell, this isn’t even the same game as it was back in 2005. However, the game does provide a good ten to twelve hours of game time and I do fully intend to play it again, if nothing more than to get the easy achievements. It’s just a shame that the development trials forced the game to release on the very dated Unreal 2.5 Engine, and it shows with rushed production values. When the game is fun, it is really fun.

The Final Word
Overall though, there just aren’t enough “Duke Nukem” moments in Duke Nukem Forever to make it worth $60. The title holds too many moments of dull, aimless wandering looking for the next part of the experience yet doesn’t deliver nearly enough powerhouse action. Still, this release brings closure to a long-running joke and a lot of suffering for 3D Realms. Now that Gearbox holds control of the rights for the company’s new mascot, I look forward to see them make a real Duke Nukem game filled with heavy-action, funny one-liners, and well done parody. Until then, pick this one up when it is a lot cheaper.

- MonsterVine Rating: 3 out of 5 – Average

I want every reader here to think of their two favorite game genres. Now, think how amazing it would be if they merged these two genres into one clever and well thought out titles. Don’t you think it’d be one of your most anticipated titles of the year that would just breeze to the top of your letter of demands to Santa Claus? The other day, I was surprisingly gifted with a review token that did that very same for me. It was a code for an XNA game called Chu’s Dynasty that mixed the cleverness of indie games with the addictiveness of fighting games. The big question is, can a $3 XNA title deliver the euphoric genre combination that it should?

Chu’s Dynasty is about the three oldest immortals, Heta, Noah, and Viotale who must band together to heal the deteriorating world. However, their history with each other will not allow them to stop warring against each other. One day, Dr. Chu steps in and tries to convince the immortals to cooperate, but it doesn’t take him long before he gets caught up in the wars and forgets his true mission. As you fight through the campaign, you’ll learn how the gods were born. Confession time? I obtained that information via the game’s website. This story is presented through the many text screens that you will end up skipping. Don’t worry, like all fighting games, it’s just the premise for the characters and really doesn’t matter much at all.

At its heart, Chu’s Dynasty is a fighter. It’s a fighter that takes the basics of the average fighter and blends them with the overall play style of Super Smash Bros presented to the player via the art style of an Oriental water color painting. To say the least, it is very ambitious and it is, indeed, very pretty. As pretty as the title is, however, the animations don’t necessarily agree with the art style. Whenever I would hit an enemy in Chu’s Dynasty, my character’s movement didn’t feel like it fit the action I was performing and, overall, felt awkward rather than fluid. The friend I kidnapped and forced to try the multiplayer with me even agreed on this. Furthermore, the game has only a few soundclips for each character, and they are exhausted and repeated extremely quickly in battles to the point of annoyance everything you. As bold as this title is, I was hoping for a tad bit more polish.

The real star of the show here really is the fighting. As previously stated, you can play as one of four characters on one of numerous stages that closely resemble the ones in the Super Smash Brothers franchise. Don’t be fooled though, this game actually plays very much like a standard 2D fighter such as Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter. Although, that is the game’s main issue, at least it was for me. Since the fighting in this game, and there’s a lot of it with it being a fighting game and all, is really rather simple. Basically, you’ll run around the map and strike your opponent quickly by pressing a face button, run away, rinse and repeat. There are a few combos, but I was able to best the AI rather easily just by button mashing or by the using the above tactics, even on the harder difficulties. To me, that lack of complexity in each character just made the game a tad boring to me and didn’t provide the needed determination for any player to feel the need to get better with their preferred character.

Don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy parts of this games. Fights could get chaotic when their were four characters on screen, and the art style resulted in very pretty looking backgrounds as well as characters. However, the simplicity in the characters and the fights themselves just made it kind of boring.

The Final Word
Chu’s Dynasty is an ambitious title, but one that will have any fan of fighting games leaving rather disappointed. If you’re going to have a few friends over for a night of gaming, you could have some fun with this one, especially with the price tag. On the flip side, if you just want a crazy fighter, you might want to just shell out the couple extra dollars for Marvel vs Capcom 2. I will say this, I’m intrigued to see what this developer puts out next.

- MonsterVine Rating: 3 out of 5 – Average

Mr. Cobb will never write an indie game review that is this long ever again

I think there comes a point in each and every major game franchise where it becomes near tedious to review. Maybe this is the point where the developers need to take a break from the franchise or maybe it’s where we need better reviewers. Either way, Halo has reached (see what I did there?) that point with Bungie’s latest (and final) Halo title, Halo Reach. This is due to the fact that the Halo formula hasn’t ever exactly evolved over the years. The question here though is, is this a bad thing? If Mario can do it, why can’t Master Chief?

In the universe of Halo, we never knew what happened to Reach other than ‘big, bad shit went down.’ Well, this title is all about that very big bad shit that did, in fact, go down. You’re given the role of Spartan Noble Six, the newest recruit to the Spartan Noble Team (of six). As Six, you will play through the downfall of Reach and see just how the noble Spartans went about trying to save the dreaded planet. In spite of my mocking, this actually gives Halo an opportune premise. This gives Halo the chance to build a game entirely on characterization to center around that idea of hopelessness. Don’t worry kids, Bungie delivers. During each mission, I, personally, felt overwhelmed by the Covenant like the rest of my squad. And even when I was storming through swarms of suicidal grunts, I couldn’t help but feel dark cloud drawing nearer and nearer. It’s actually impressive seeing this merge of gameplay and story. Especially since most of the story is told through story interrupting cut-scenes.

Everything isn’t great in the world of Halo, however. As hinted at in the opening of this review, there comes a point in a long-running game franchise where the core gameplay gets monotonous and needs to be either evolved or mixed up with brand new elements. Halo: Reach tries to do both. They successfully evolve the gameplay by the welcomed additions of abilities, health limitations, and new weapons. Thumbs up there. The bad news is, Halo can’t seem to mix up its elements very well. In fact, it only really tries twice. The first is during the space flight dog fight that was revealed at E3. This would have been a very fun and welcomed addition if it had lasted more than eight minutes. The other time is during the stealth mission early on in the game. This is yet another edition that would’ve been rather well received if Modern Warfare didn’t beat it to the punch. With that, it just feels like Bungie was trying to steal some of Infinity Ward’s thunder. Thumbs down there.

Good news everyone, this is a Halo title. Translation? We have multi-player and it’s brilliant. As someone who tries to feel as if they didn’t waste $50 on Xbox Live Gold, I play a lot of multiplayer. With that in mind, I can honestly say this is the best multi-player experience you will find on any system. When playing, you can tell that the developers spent many hours trying to keep each game type constantly balanced to the point I’ve never been killed due to something that felt unfair. With that in mind and diverse maps, unlocks, and game types, this is a multiplayer that anyone can enjoy. The best of the best will enjoy extremely tactical firefights while the newcomers will have fun with each and every kill they obtain. Halo has, once again, proved itself as being one of the best multi-player experiences that money can buy.

Whilst the game isn’t perfect, it is one of the better ones Bungie has put out on the market. The campaign is short lived and repetitive, yet it is still crazy fun and well thought out. The multiplayer is spectacular with endless unlocks, gametypes, and ways of play in general. With those in mind and the four player co-op as well as firefight, Halo: Reach is easily worth the price.

The Final Word
If you like shooters, buy it. If you like Halo, buy two copies.

- MonsterVine Rating: 4/5 – Good

Alright, fine, I’ll buy it. But only because you made a Megazord playable.

Note: This is not a review of U2, Diego already did so very well. I disagree with it, but he wrote it. Now then, let’s dive into the controversy.

I think it’s a smart idea to throw up the SPOILER ALERT here. If you haven’t played Uncharted 2 and want to, this is not the article for you. Anyway…

After receiving the complaints and knowing about eight-hundred others shared the same need to burn my house down, I did something rare; a fan-service for our readers: I went back played more of the game. Immediately after getting home today, I decided to give the fans of Uncharted 2 a chance for the game to ‘wow’ me like it did them. I played a few of my favorite chapters from the campaign, two rounds of co-op, and a few games of the competitive multiplayer. And to be completely honest, I felt myself as unamused as I was the first time through with each feature.

I began my venture by loading up the few select chapters that take place right after Drake gets out of prison and into the war-zone. Why? Because the beginning of a game is supposed to set up everything, both gameplay and story. And while the other levels set up the story marvelously (by informing me that I’m going to go through the game despising my main character for being an unlikable loud-mouth that went through no character growth), it introduced movement rather than gunplay whereas the chapters I decided to play introduced gunplay as well as capitalized on the platforming elements. What could go wrong? Well a lot, actually. Like, more so than from developers thinking that transforming your main character into a lycanthrope is sheer brilliance. Like every one who plays this chapter, the first thing I tried to do was throw a propane tank. I aimed it, shot when I was supposed to for the automatic blow up, and the chemical reaction from the propane released an explosion of rainbows and butterflies. Cool. Since that plan failed, I realized I had to take cover and fight my way against the big bad three terrorists. And as soon as I hit that circle button, I felt my loose parkour Indiana Jones turn into the Statue of Liberty as he pressed up against that wall. Okay, so the cover system is janky. I bet the kills will be worth the effort, right? Well thirty clips later, I find out enemies actually use bullets like aspirin and the only way to kill them is to overdose them by about sixty hits over the prescribed amount. Once my enemies looked like swiss cheese, I got out of cover and pressed on. But before I get into that, let’s recap: we have a janky and clunky cover system in a cover shooter with enemies who eat bullets and yet don’t give off any feeling of accomplishment after being slain. Let’s hope the platforming is flawless.

Well, hopes have been gruesomely murdered and curb stomped by a giant Gundam. I’ll tell you now, the level design in which they center the platforming around is actually fairly creative and can be best described with the phrase ‘cool and thrilling.’ However, the actual game mechanics just fall flat on their face while trying to carry Nathan Statue-of-Liberty-Indiana-Jones Drake around. Let me clarify a bit: Their are always parts in Uncharted where the entire crew faces a wall and Drake needs to scan the environment for something to grab onto so he can climb to the top of the tower and go through various wacky shenanigans in the process. However, their is absolutely nothing in the game to differentiate grabable ledges from background scenery. This was a case in the first game too, but this time around we face grabable scenery that just doesn’t lead any where. It’s always awkward climbing up on a ledge and finding out you don’t have to go there. Each and every time I expected Elana to look up and say ‘Drake, where are you going…?’ to make me feel even more ashamed of myself. The best part? This will happen when you’re three stories off the ground. (Trophy Unlocked: Join the mile high club. Description: Not as satisfying as you hoped, huh?).

Once I had all those problems confirmed for me and my rolling eyes, I decided to play a few games of multiplayer. Honestly, I’ve never been a fan of PS3 multiplayer games. This is because they aren’t centered around the idea of PlayStation users sitting around with their friends enjoying the game the way they choose to; it’s not a social experience. To me, it seems most PS3 games use the multiplayer to just extend the single player by pitting people against each other in the hopes of unlocking cool new stuff. Trust me when I say, that feeling gets tedious after you’ve went online with friends who explode with laughter and excitement at the first sign of a good kill. It’s the very reason why unlockables are not needed for me when I play a game online. I’ll admit, KZ2′s multiplayer has a ton of good ideas, Resistance 2 was just very satisfying to play, and LBP is fun for all (even if I communicate through the XBL party system while playing it), but U2, however, just doesn’t give that satisfying feel and carries over all the gameplay issues to the online interface. It’s just not as tactical as Halo, Killzone, or even Gears. I just don’t find it fun. I find it cluttered, laggy, and trying too hard. Heck, their aren’t even fun weapons like in all the shooters I mentioned previously. Nothing sticks out and that is going to lead us right into the main problem. Yeah, keep reading.

Uncharted 2′s main problem is that it just tries too hard to be a money making franchise. Yes, it succeeds in that aspect, but only because the general audience is full of easy to please tools who crave a new desert to pop some heads in. That may be a little harsh. Honestly, nothing is wrong with wanting your game to sell. They have to sell to keep in business, it’s simple logic. However, to guarantee success, the game has to play it safe. Thus, it sticks to concepts people know and are accustomed to. You won’t ever find any of the creativity found in games like Godhand or Portal in these safe titles. In fact, in Uncharted 2 you won’t find ANY creativity. What you’ll see is emulation and refining. You’ll find poor quality emulation of the Gears of War cover system, the Assassin’s Creed climbing system, and the same exact story as the first Uncharted. It takes all of these experiences and throws them into a B-movie plot about revenge, discovery and blue people and throws them in a few extraordinarily cool levels (that over-stay their welcome once or twice too often) that make every gamer think, ‘Haven’t I done this before?’ Uncharted 2 is by no means a bad game, it’s a rather well designed game, but it just rose to game-fame by doing what every other game has already done and THAT’S why it’s over-rated bullshit. Naughty Dog, I will forever expect more from you. I hope you read this and give me something to make me eat each and every word I wrote.

When I was a young boy, my mother made me watch Forest Gump. That day, I remember Gump’s mother telling him never to tell a lie (or was that Pinocchio?). Well today, I am going to open this review by following Momma Gump’s advice by being completely honest. I have never played a Monkey Island game for more than an hour, nor have I ever liked, cared for, or thought about any adventure game other than Shenmue. What’s worse? The only time I did play an entry of the Monkey Island franchise, it was Escape From Monkey Island (the only one not made by my hero, Tim Schafer) on a bet with our (former?) review editor Andy Jackson. Short story: I lost. Will this rebirth be the one to sway me into the adventure game crowd?

If you haven’t already guessed by the title of the review and my opening paragraph, Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge Special Edition is a remake of the 1991 classic of the same name (minus the Special Edition part). You control the famous washout of a pirate, Guybrush Threepwood (if their is a joke in that name, I can’t find it) who is attempting to find the legendary treasure known as Big Whoop, win back Governor Elaine’s love, and not be killed by the fearsome, reincarnated ghost pirate LeChuck. Yes, it’s even crazier than it sounds. While the original was a point and click adventure, this remake redesigns the entire control scheme to fit the Xbox 360 controller well. This time around, you can physically control Guybrush with the left analog and you control the “mouse” with the right analog while the right-trigger brings up options via a roulette menu. For the most part, this works very well. However, I found there were a few instances when I found it easier to move by switching into the game’s Classic Mode (achievement unlocked! …Play the game, you’ll get the joke) and using the old-school point and click controls.

Once you adjust to the controls (whether you’re new to the franchise or a long time vet, you’ll need to), you’ll use them and every bit of your thought processes to get through every single type of puzzle and/or fetch quest imaginable. Trust me when I say that no two quests are alike and none of them can be solved by just randomly clicking everywhere. In fact, most of them require a lot of thought and wandering only for something to horribly wrong. If I could sum up my thoughts during most of the gameplay portion of the game, it would be ‘Son of a bitch!’ or a similar ‘God dammit!’ Note, these aren’t the same type of shrieks of anger as you get from playing a shooter on the hardest difficulty. These shrieks are because every time you solve a puzzle, something bad happens to make an hour of work go down the drain. I’m not sure if it was done to lengthen the game or purposely done to drag the point across through broken glass that nothing in the game is as easy as it seems but, either way, I’m convinced Guybrush should never go to Vegas.

However, it is the story where the game truly shines brighter than a sixty watt light-bulb amongst candles. And by story, I don’t mean the heroic tale of Guybrush finding Big Whoop and vanquishing LeChuck. I mean every bit of dialogue leading up to that. With each fetch quest comes a conversation consisting of some subtle joke or a hilarious after-situation. Whether Guybrush has to beg for a seemingly useless metal bucket or wins a costume that forces him to cross-dress. It’s all very silly, but all of it will make you crack a smile or burst out laughing (pending how tired you are). In fact, the game goes out of its way to let you know this isn’t a serious tale by any means. To give an example, their is a part in the game where Guybrush gets knocked out cold, and dreams his parents turn into ‘cartoony’ skeletons that sing the childish Dry Bones song. It’s all very witty, very clever, and very silly. In fact, if it weren’t for Tim Schafer’s and Ron Gilbert’s writing being so funny, the game would have absolutely no drive what-so-ever.

Since this is a special edition/remake, it comes with many updates and new features. The game now features very modern and very polished HD cartoon graphics as well as full voice acting (reading is for sissies, right?). However, if all of that is disgusting to you and tramples over your childhood, at any given time you can press the back button (I’m assuming select if you’re on a PS3) to bring the game into ‘classic mode’ which gets rid of all the new graphics, voice acting, and controls and brings the game back to what it once was. It’s a neat fan-service, I suppose. However, I feel that this feature is physical proof that the people at LucasArts were too afraid to stray away from the original at all. It really made it so they couldn’t fix my one issue with this game: the difficulty.

Now, I am all for a difficult game. I think all gamers can appreciate a challenge to some degree. However, most difficult games have one thing in common that the entire Monkey Island franchise doesn’t have: a goal. In every difficult game I play, their is some sort of indication as to what I need to do next to progress the story. It may be challenging to do, but I vaguely know what I have to do. With Monkey Island, that isn’t there. Even in the first section, you have to draw some conclusions from the sky. Once you get multiple islands involved, their is just no hope, especially to new comers. Overall, this alienates the audience to people who have played the game before or people who are willing to pull up GameFAQS on demand. The worst part is, it seems as if LucasArts knew exactly what I’m talking about with their final addition that I kept secret until now: a hint button.

Yes, you can hold ‘X’ (or square on a PS3, I’m assuming) to have the game tell you a very vague hint as to what to do next. Hold it again, it gets a bit more detailed. Hold it once more, and I swear it just quotes a walk-through at the player. I’ll admit, I ended up holding this button many times to the point I felt dependent on this blue button of shame. But, my main issue with this is that it breaks immersion entirely. One of the best things about a good game is a player’s ability to get lost entirely in it. I don’t know about you, but I think the game loses credibility if each and every time I get stuck, God reveals himself to Guybrush and, in just a line of green text, tells me exactly where I need to go and what I need to do there. It seems like this was a very avoidable issue that can be blamed on the fan-service switch to classic mode. Seems like they could’ve bypassed this issue by presenting some new NPC’s that can grant Guybrush some knowledge. Heck, it would’ve even opened up some more witty dialogue options. They could’ve even went to the extreme of putting in 16-bit versions of these new NPC’s in the classic mode. It doesn’t seem like it would’ve been that hard to do and probably would’ve been more fun for both the developers and the players

The voice acting, the graphics, and dialogue are very well done and highly appreciated. And the puzzles, whilst overly difficult to the point of alienation, are all very clever and thought out. It’s a shame that Monkey Island 2 commits gaming’s greatest sin by putting out a remake and forgets to fix any of the pre-existing issues. This isn’t 1991, this is 2010 and a lot of things needed to be fixed.

The Final Word
Everything is as charming as it was in 1991, and the voice acting adds humor where clever text boxes just couldn’t. This kind of creativity is very welcomed this generation. Still, many issues arise from the experience being dated and, thus, alienates newcomers from enjoying the experience. It should be played, but only to those who know what they’re getting into. I almost hate to put a score on this because I did really enjoy it when I wasn’t being led around by hints.

- MonsterVine Rating: 3 out of 5 – Average

Before we get started, I need to give quick shout-outs to a few games: Infamous, Castle Crashers, ‘Splosion Man, Bayonetta, Call of Duty 4, and Braid. All of you are great and reek in the creativity I’m looking for this gen. However, you all lacked something the list below has: they all reached a personal level for me. These would be the games I’d proudly give my left foot to play if I had to. You six just didn’t quite have that level of awesome. Now then, let’s begin:

Number 10: MadWorld

You know we have an action packed list when a title by PlatinumGames barely makes it. That’s right, MadWorld is the first game by the former Clover employees. It was their attempt to make a hardcore, violent, fun, and stylish game for the Wii. And it succeeds on all of those levels. With a visual style resembling Sin City, a blood level that would make Niko Bellic squeamish, a surprisingly decent and deep plot with an ending that sets us up for a perfect prequel, and a soundtrack that makes me respect hip-hop music, this is a title that belongs on every Wii-owners shelf. It oozes style more so than the terrorists ooze blood after I digitally decapitate them with my arm-chainsaw. Suck on that Connecticut!

Number 9: Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack In Time

It’s no secret by now that the Ratchet and Clank games kick-ass, but I think this was easily the strongest entry by and large. This time around, the developers over at Insomniac noticed something: the R&C formula was starting to get a bit stale. All the guns in each game were similar, the levels all felt like ones in previous installments, and it needed -something- to show that their was still room for this series to grow outside of the graphics. What did they do? Everything. They changed the travel system, the weaponry, the level designs, made a few maps open rather than completely linear, gave us a hell of a story, puzzles, and jet boots (my personal favorite edition). Adding all of that while keeping the traditional R&C platforming filled gun-play? You sold me Insomniac.

Number 8: Ninja Gaiden II

By law, I am required to inform you that I DID NOT play the original Ninja Gaiden for more than eight minutes. It’s camera and explosive-throwing ninjas annoyed the crap out of me. Surely enough, Ninja Gaiden II brought them back… but this time I had claws to fight them off with! Truth be told, NGII is my kind of game. It has ninjas, crazy platforming, gore, katana’s, gore, fun achievements, more gore, a crazy plot, decapitations, and off-the-wall pulse pounding action. With all that and difficulty up the bum, their is a lot of fun to be had in Itagaki’s final game with Team Ninja. Heck, I still load this game up from time to time just to see a brutal kill or two…. or three…. or eight hundred and fifty-three.

Number 7: Gears of War

Epic Games’ first entry into this gen was easily their best and will forever be their best. Whilst the campaign was great (and I mean GREAT) with constant feelings of being surrounded and trying to brutally think your way out of each predicament, the true star here (for me) was the online. Never before have I enjoyed an online multi-player so much just by that great feeling you get when you shotgun somebody into bits or watch them blow up from afar after you’ve frag-tagged them. When everybody played fair, this game always left me with such a grand feeling of accomplishment with each and every kill. Not too mention, this game gave us the chocolate-peanut butter situation that is the Lancer. It takes a certain type of psycho to combine a chainsaw and a machine gun, and that man needs to start thinking like that again.

Number 6: Mass Effect

Borderlands ad campaigns kept bragging about how they were the first to think of combining the shooter and the RPG. That would be fine, if they didn’t have to ignore this amazing epic from BioWare to make it true. Mass Effect puts you in the roll of Commander Shepard, a human given the honorable roll as ‘Spectre’ who has to hunt down a former Spectre before he unleashes doomsday on the universe by awakening an ancient, grim, execution cycle. It’s more awesome than it sounds. In this game, every choice you make counts. And it damn well let’s you know it. Personally, I prefer it much more than I do the sequel. Go play it. Now.

Number 5: Bioshock

Truth be told, I forgot this game existed until midway through making this list. In fact, I had to kick No More Heroes off the list to make room. Forgive me gaming world, for I have sinned greatly. But c’mon, how can you not love the dark atmosphere, the sheer creativity, and the mind-fuck worthy plot twists that exist within Rapture? Yes, the ending sucked. Sucked hump-back whale testicle. But the plot of seeing two omniscient and manipulative villains fighting for control of an underwater city through YOU just makes up for it in every level. Too bad the sequel sucks.

Number 4: Portal
Portal may be a game that is shorter than this blog entry, but it’s damn fun. In this quick add-on for the Orange Box hides the BEST and most original puzzle game of all time (yes, of all time) and my thumbs felt blessed to have been in control of it. This game was made by a team of college students who really knew who to use Valve’s Source engine brilliantly. The physics in this game all makes sense, and yet it is incredibly mind blowing. The main cause of this is how they abuse momentum. To put in the words of the game: speedy object goes in, speedy object comes out. That is half of the puzzles right there and creates a lot of mischievous fun for you and Chell. If that is not enough, it also contains a never ending supply of hilarious black-humor through the one villain in gaming to top Andrew Ryan: GLaDOS. To sum it up quickly: Your cake is in another laboratory.

Number 3: Halo 3

Shut up, it’s fun. Especially when you have (1) skill and (2) friends who are willing to play with you. In all seriousness, some of my fondest gaming memories come from playing Halo 3. Each and every time I play, their are always laughs, excitement, quick thinking, and loads of trash-talking that will forever unite us. It’s almost no different than when I played Super Mario Bros with my mates as a wee lad. Heck, I still remember when a friend and I were playing on Legendary whilst trying to earn the Vanguard achievement and we had to fight the twin scarabs. I lost my hornet, so my buddy came over and air-dropped me onto the scarab where I earned the 50,000th point. It was beautiful. Another story I remember is when a different pal o’ mine and I played Cold Storage the night of its release where we kept racing to see who could win the game first which led to the most chaotic online matches I’ve ever played. Few games leave an imprint like that on one’s memory without a cutscene. Thank you, Bungie. Seeya on Reach.

Number 2: Super Mario Galaxy 2

Let’s be honest, we all expected this to be a complete re-hash. A way for Nintendo to cash in on a gimmick that worked well enough for them to win hundreds of GOTY awards (not from us!). However, it wasn’t. In fact, it was everything they said it was: a more daring version of the original Super Mario Galaxy. It’s everything they wanted to do and now knew they could do. Once the team realized they had complete freedom to make this sequel, they took risks on what is, to me, the greatest example of level design in gaming history. The environments are all beautiful and the gravity-defiant platforming is constantly impressive from beginning to end. You never feel like the game is getting stale on you with each world being completely different right up until the final clash with Bowser. Plus, the game gives Mario back something he hasn’t had in his games since the SNES days: difficulty. I may not have gotten my cake in Portal, but I found it in Bower’s castle, and it was delicious.

Number 1: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.

Yes, MGS4 is my number one game of this entire gen. And why shouldn’t it be? In this one blu-ray disc (yes Diego, that joke was for you) that offered us fantastic stealth and action-packed gameplay with a lengthy theatrical story that brought me to tears as much as it made me laugh. Kojima’s final entry in the main series is easily his best with each act offering something entirely new without turning into a schizophrenic experience. It was creative, completely crazy, and each second was somehow believable despite their being a robot ninja break-dancing to destroy giant, mechanical cows. It is one of my favorite games of all time and it’s the only reason I bought a PS3. Rest up Snake, your adventure is finally over.

That’s a wrap. I hope this article gives each and every reader an insight into what direction my upcoming reviews will be leaning towards. Although, it will probably have completely changed once 2010 wraps up. Ah well! Seeya next time.

Oh, if you’re wondering where Uncharted 2 is, I didn’t mention it because I don’t care for over-rated garbage. Let the controversy begin!

Today, I found myself in the exact same predicament. I partied a little too hardy and have been bed-ridden while munching only on crackers and only drinking ice-tea all day long. Once I leveled up enough to gain the ability of movement, I remembered Craig’s article and thought to myself, “Hm, I wonder if their are any retro games that can aid this sickness? Could people twenty years ago geek out after being the life of a party?” Soon after, I grabbed a bucket, turned on my Wii, and booted up a few virtual console games to see for myself.

Test 1. Since Craig started out by playing Halo 3, I decided it’d be an effective homage to start with the classic alien shoot ‘em up, Contra 3: The Alien Wars. For those of you who don’t know about this game, it is a side-scrolling action-platforming shooter brought to us by Konami. And it is hard as balls. In fact, it is so hard that to beat it, one thing the player must keep closer to them than their Spreader Riffle is the fabled Konami code (↑, ↑, ↓, ↓, ←, →, ←, →, B, A, Select, Start) to gain thirty extra lives. Although, I did not exactly need those thirty lives. Not because I have the skill of a trained Contra pro, but because I didn’t finish the first level before throwing my face into the bucket and letting loose with the dry heaves. With all the fast-paced action, a variety of colors in each explosion, the building stress from constant defeat, and the existence of the Spreader riffle, it was bound to end badly for me. Test failed; head in bucket.

Test 2. Instead of trying to dig up my PlayStation and play PaRappa the Rapper to further retro-emulate Craig’s list (pun most certainly intended), I decided to try out Mega Man 3. First off, I’m not explaining what Mega Man is. If you don’t know, gtfo of this site and go to Wikipedia this very instant. Here, I’ll even link you –> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mega_Man_3 <--Ta-da. Back to the test, this game actually worked for a little while. Specifically, during the platforming segments. Mega Man games tend to be relatively slow paced despite their difficulty so all the levels were actually do-able. However, it was when I got to a boss fight that I was lucky enough to reenact the events that partook during the Contra 3 test. That's right, I had to say goodbye to my poor-stomach acid in the most painful way possible. The reason for this is very similar to why Contra failed its test. By this I mean, bosses are very fast moving and have a variety of fast attacks that require one to pay close attention. They truly hold nothing back. Combine that with all the slides and dodges from the player's end and it's a no-brainer why this test failed.

Test 3: Kirby's Adventure. Finally, a game that showed promise; a game that is overall as chill as it is cute. And yes, it delivered. Their was actually a moment when I was playing this game where I was able to move the bucket farther away and actually put a hot-ham and cheese sammich (yum, trust me) on my stomach instead of just sleeves of saltines. In fact, I was able to really relax and play the entire game in full (it’s a NES game; it’s short) whilst enjoying myself during my hours of recovery. Thanks to Kirby, it wasn’t all bad hanging around today. I highly recommend giving this oldie a try next time you’ve drank yourself to death. Test success!

Test 4 is a rather popular retro game amongst the hardcore, but sadly still very unknown to the rest of the world, called Out of this World. The game is an old-school cinematic-platformer that proved innovative through its use of effects in the graphics, sound and cut scenes with characters communicating through their facial features, gestures, and actions only to tell the story. That’s right, no dialogue and no text boxes. It has gone on to directly inspire games like Braid and Limbo as well as legends like Hideo Kojima. How did it fair? Truthfully, this was the first time I actually played this game. I found this experiment a perfect time to actually try it out. The game itself I can tell is a great and (almost) psychological experience. And believe it or not, it was a great game to play whilst hungover due to how calm and fluid everything was. Nothing was ever terribly chaotic to the point of bucket-running. Thus, test success!

Test 5: The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past (that title probably just doubled my word count). This game really needs no introduction so let’s just get right to the verdict: It passed. I know, I was shocked too. But truthfully, the game is actually very calm during the town raids and temple puzzles without feeling slow like Kirby or Out of this World. It was only during the boss fights or while using the Pegasus boots that I had to pause to get my head back together, and even then only briefly. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a good time-killer. I’m chalking this one up as a success. So, test success!

Test 6 is the game you know I was saving right up until the very end: Super Mario Bros 3. This game is considered one of the greatest games of all time and the best adventure the plumber ever saw. I disagree preferring Sunshine, Galaxy 2, and Yoshi’s Island, but we all have differing opinions. Their are some people out there who prefer Final Fantasy VII to VI, or Lady Gaga over music. Pfft. Either way, the symbol of video games just did not get a long with me or my stomach today. Well, he did at first. In fact, I was certain that this game was going to get a test success from me. But then I arrived at the first castle level. And it made me head spin. I mean it really did. It couldn’t have been worse unless I were playing one of the Donkey Kong Country barrel cannon levels (yes I did, it failed worse than BP’s early plans to plug up the oil spill). Thinking the feeling would pass, I pressed on. Collecting fire flowers and tanooki suits at every turn and really getting into it. Then I reached the airship level. Trust me, this level and all the cannon-chaos made me get re-acquainted with my bucket very quickly. Still in denial about a Mario game hurting the soul, I pressed on. Not only did the following boss hurt the soul, but so did the auto-scroll levels where you race the camera, and the level with the dastardly sun. Truth be told, their is no way I can give this one a pass. The next time you are hung-over like Craig after karaoke night, heed my warning and avoid any Mario or Sonic game. Test failed. A lot of times.

Whilst I know I missed many other classics such as Super Metroid, Sonic the Hedgehog, Battletoads, Punch-Out!, Space Harrier (oh sweet Cronus that would not have ended well), Donkey Kong Country, and your mother-erm… Mother 3, but I really don’t care because, like the subject before me, I am hung-over at this very moment. However, I can tell you that I was able to appreciate playing Monkey Island 2 Special Edition much more when in this condition. I can also tell you that watching the Matrix is a bad idea. Not just when hung-over, but in general.

So, who here remembers E3? Hands down; it was rhetorical. How could any one possibly forget Microsoft publicly announcing they’re greedy bastards, Sony’s own Kevin Butler’s grand monologue that many gamers will use to try out for their Drama classes, or Nintendo claiming their souls back from the casual audience better than Mario could ever reclaim his dear princess? I’m sure Will definitely hasn’t yet due to still swimming in loads of content from the event. Now, what does any of that have to do with the average headline above? Not much. In fact, the E3 event itself has nothing to do with any of this. What does though is the hype.

Back in May, every single gaming site (except us because we’re either hardcore or just incredibly lazy) were doing their part to hype up E3 through various previews, humor videos, editorials, predictions, etc. However, what caught my eye was a hype poll that IGN put up titled ‘Who needs to do well at E3 this year or will cease to exist?’ with choices being for the big three and all the major publishers. My first reaction to this poll was a chuckle because, quite frankly, the chances of any company going anywhere in the next few years are low. Still, I decided to play along and I voted for Sony. The reason? They’ve never had an OMGWOW press conference like Microsoft did in 2007/2008 or Nintendo in 2010. But, I digress. After voting, I got to see the current results, and, to be quite honest, I was shocked and appalled to see that the majority of people put aside their inner Console War 2010 soldier and voted SEGA. I was at least hoping that they would give rightful hate to Activision (it’s as I type these words, I realize I will never get a review copy from them… I’m cool with this).

I think people are misaiming their hatred because I will fully agree with them that Sonic and Sonic Team as a whole have fallen from grace, but SEGA as a whole? That’s saying a bit much. Yes, they do publish trash like the Iron Man games, but every publisher has their low moments. Heck, I’m still looking for an explanation from Bethesda for WET. Instead of focusing on their sellout titles and shovelware, I think people need to stop and give SEGA credit for the incredible publishing work and many fan-services they have done this gen. In fact, it seems when SEGA is trying, all they are doing is listening to the fans. Don’t take my word for it, just look at their accomplishments from over these past five years: 1. Employing PlatinumGames (formerly known as MUTHA-FUKIN’ Clover… give or take a few syllables) who have given us Bayonetta, MadWorld, Infinite Space, and Vanquish (which looks awwwesome). 2. They re-birthed once great franchises such as NiGHTS, Samba De Amigo, House of the Dead and After Burner. Most of which did well critically and the other (who shall remain nameless) was a fun game for the casual audience that used the essence of a once famed peripheral game 3. They developed Valkyria Chronicles which went down in the Guinness Books as the best strategic RPG of all time. 4. They worked with great developers like Tri-Ace and Monolith to bring us Resonance of Fate and Condemned respectively. 5. Unlike other companies, they do many fan-services such as bringing Dreamcast games into the land of glorious HD on the XBLA and PSN, bringing Yakuza 3 to the states, putting Mario and Sonic in, what is now, three games together (two of which are casual party games), listening to the fans of Sonic and returning him to a 2D side-scroller where he and speed are the only stars of the show, and many more. Instead of continuing this list, I’m going to cut this short because this article is already a tad wordy. Thus, conclusion time!

Every day while browsing the hundreds of gaming sites out there, I always seem to find one face-palm worthy slam to SEGA like the press still holds a grudge. If that is the case, I say they all need to grow up and look at what the house that Sonic built has been up to. Heck, even the now hated mascot still manages to give us good titles through the Sonic Rush games, Sonic 4 (we hope), Sonic and SEGA All-Stars Racing is actually a fun kart racing title for those who can’t get their hands on Super Mario Kart, and even Sonic Colors looks like it could turn out to be a pretty fun title if Sonic Team can keep their heads together. If anything, SEGA is one of the few third party developers that remembers what the hardcore gamer actually likes to play. I, for one, am thankful for this attention and can’t wait to get my hands on Vanquish. Till then, I’ll be playing more Super Mario Galaxy 2.

http://www.mariomarathon.com/