A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, there was a man named Craig Ballard who drank way too much one night. The proceeding morning, good ol’ Mother Nature gave this @Darkandroid the mandatory punishment for drinking just one too many. Yes, I am referring to the one ailment that can bring down Solid Snake, Dante, Mario, Sonic, Bowser, Abraham Lincoln, Adolf Hitler, and the Incredible Hulk: the hangover. To pass the time for this foul disease to pass, Professor Ballard decided to experiment to see which games were good for hangovers and which games would provoke the bedridden subject to puke. You can find the results of this experiment here.
Today, I found myself in the exact same predicament. I partied a little too hardy and have been bed-ridden while munching only on crackers and only drinking ice-tea all day long. Once I leveled up enough to gain the ability of movement, I remembered Craig’s article and thought to myself, “Hm, I wonder if their are any retro games that can aid this sickness? Could people twenty years ago geek out after being the life of a party?” Soon after, I grabbed a bucket, turned on my Wii, and booted up a few virtual console games to see for myself.
Test 1. Since Craig started out by playing Halo 3, I decided it’d be an effective homage to start with the classic alien shoot 
’em up, Contra 3: The Alien Wars. For those of you who don’t know about this game, it is a side-scrolling action-platforming shooter brought to us by Konami. And it is hard as balls. In fact, it is so hard that to beat it, one thing the player must keep closer to them than their Spreader Riffle is the fabled Konami code (↑, ↑, ↓, ↓, â†, →, â†, →, B, A, Select, Start) to gain thirty extra lives. Although, I did not exactly need those thirty lives. Not because I have the skill of a trained Contra pro, but because I didn’t finish the first level before throwing my face into the bucket and letting loose with the dry heaves. With all the fast-paced action, a variety of colors in each explosion, the building stress from constant defeat, and the existence of the Spreader riffle, it was bound to end badly for me. Test failed; head in bucket.
Test 2. Instead of trying to dig up my PlayStation and play PaRappa the Rapper to further retro-emulate Craig’s list (pun most certainly intended), I decided to try out Mega Man 3. First off, I’m not explaining what Mega Man is. If you don’t know, gtfo of this site and go to Wikipedia this very instant. Here, I’ll even link you –> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mega_Man_3 <--Ta-da. Back to the test, this game actually worked for a little while. Specifically, during the platforming segments. Mega Man games tend to be relatively slow paced despite their difficulty so all the levels were actually do-able. However, it was when I got to a boss fight that I was lucky enough to reenact the events that partook during the Contra 3 test. That's right, I had to say goodbye to my poor-stomach acid in the most painful way possible. The reason for this is very similar to why Contra failed its test. By this I mean, bosses are very fast moving and have a variety of fast attacks that require one to pay close attention. They truly hold nothing back. Combine that with all the slides and dodges from the player's end and it's a no-brainer why this test failed.
Test 3: Kirby's Adventure. Finally, a game that showed promise; a game that is overall as chill as it is cute. And yes, it delivered. Their was actually a moment when I was playing this game where I was able to move the bucket farther away
and actually put a hot-ham and cheese sammich (yum, trust me) on my stomach instead of just sleeves of saltines. In fact, I was able to really relax and play the entire game in full (it’s a NES game; it’s short) whilst enjoying myself during my hours of recovery. Thanks to Kirby, it wasn’t all bad hanging around today. I highly recommend giving this oldie a try next time you’ve drank yourself to death. Test success!
Test 4 is a rather popular retro game amongst the hardcore, but sadly still very unknown to the rest of the world, called Out of this World. The game is an old-school cinematic-platformer that proved innovative through its use of effects in the graphics, sound and cut scenes with characters communicating through their facial features, gestures, and actions only to 
tell the story. That’s right, no dialogue and no text boxes. It has gone on to directly inspire games like Braid and Limbo as well as legends like Hideo Kojima. How did it fair? Truthfully, this was the first time I actually played this game. I found this experiment a perfect time to actually try it out. The game itself I can tell is a great and (almost) psychological experience. And believe it or not, it was a great game to play whilst hungover due to how calm and fluid everything was. Nothing was ever terribly chaotic to the point of bucket-running. Thus, test success!
Test 5: The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past (that title probably just doubled my word count). This game really needs no introduction so let’s just get right to the verdict: It passed. I know, I was shocked too. But truthfully, the game is actually very calm during the town raids and temple puzzles without feeling slow like Kirby or Out of this World. It was only during the boss fights or while using the Pegasus boots that I had to pause to get my head back together, and even then only briefly. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a good time-killer. I’m chalking this one up as a success. So, test success!
Test 6 is the game you know I was saving right up until the very end: Super Mario Bros 3. This game is considered one of the greatest games of all time and the best adventure the plumber ever saw. I disagree preferring Sunshine, Galaxy 2, and Yoshi’s Island, but we all have differing opinions. Their are some people out there who prefer Final Fantasy VII to VI, or Lady Gaga over music. Pfft. Either way, the symbol of video games just did not get a long with me or my stomach today. Well, he did at first. In fact, I was certain that this game was going to get a test success from me. But then I arrived at the
first castle level. And it made me head spin. I mean it really did. It couldn’t have been worse unless I were playing one of the Donkey Kong Country barrel cannon levels (yes I did, it failed worse than BP’s early plans to plug up the oil spill). Thinking the feeling would pass, I pressed on. Collecting fire flowers and tanooki suits at every turn and really getting into it. Then I reached the airship level. Trust me, this level and all the cannon-chaos made me get re-acquainted with my bucket very quickly. Still in denial about a Mario game hurting the soul, I pressed on. Not only did the following boss hurt the soul, but so did the auto-scroll levels where you race the camera, and the level with the dastardly sun. Truth be told, their is no way I can give this one a pass. The next time you are hung-over like Craig after karaoke night, heed my warning and avoid any Mario or Sonic game. Test failed. A lot of times.
Whilst I know I missed many other classics such as Super Metroid, Sonic the Hedgehog, Battletoads, Punch-Out!, Space Harrier (oh sweet Cronus that would not have ended well), Donkey Kong Country, and your mother-erm… Mother 3, but I really don’t care because, like the subject before me, I am hung-over at this very moment. However, I can tell you that I was able to appreciate playing Monkey Island 2 Special Edition much more when in this condition. I can also tell you that watching the Matrix is a bad idea. Not just when hung-over, but in general.
