Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
I wanna really, really, really wanna dominate the surface of the planet Arrakis, controlling the Spice for generations and eventually becoming one with Shai Hulud.
Like many young men of a particular era, I have a particular nostalgic enjoyment for five nubile English women in various costumes and outfits designed to highlight their most attractive features. Sadly, this is not a dystopian story of the Spice Girls gone mad with power where you vie for their affections. Someone should make that.
For those of you who haven’t seen the movies, read the books, looked at the memes, or otherwise dealt with a nerd in the past 30 years, the Dune series is about a really weird universe much like our own where Sting wears metal underpants and Captain Picard has a form-fitting bodysuit. The guy from Twin Peaks is in it. There are giant worms that shit hallucinogens. Dorks like it.
In video games, we have the legendary Dune II or Dune 2000, which was a pretty great real-time strategy game, but this also isn’t that. Dune: Spice Wars is a blend of real-time strategy and 4X gameplay set in the Dune universe and it’s by the Northgard guys, which is a pretty solid strategy pedigree.
If you want to get your head around it, Dune: Spice Wars is kind of like a more-chill version of Stellaris where you carefully and tactically expand, build up your territories, make deals and then screw your partners, and try to take control of the planet Arrakis through military, diplomatic, and hegemonic means.
As a disclaimer, if it needs to be said, I worked for the publisher, Funcom, for about a year over a decade ago, so if you think that’s shading my writeup, I assure you that Norway has very few treats worth bribing me with. The candy over there is legendarily terrible. Everything is flavored like licorice. I mean, I’m a sicko, but not a real pervert on that level.
You have four sides with various fitting bonuses. The Atreides are better diplomats; the Harkonnen just roll over everyone; the Smugglers smuggle things; the Fremen aren’t so great diplomatically but can make themselves a giant pain in the ass to everyone else.
I do kind of resent the uncompensated use of my likeness for House Harkonnen, though.
It’s not even a bad likeness! A fella would like a heads up, though.
By way of further customization, you get to pick your advisors, who can also help out by making things cheaper, improving bonuses to various categories, or providing useful insights.
Once you have picked your faction and advisors, you are turned loose on Arrakis to seek your fortune. This is the classic 4X gameplay where you literally have a single unit to explore, and from there you run into events, harass the other factions, build out your infrastructure, and decide whether you want to conquer the planet militarily, diplomatically, or with your network of spies constantly sabotaging things. You can feel the Paradox lineage in this and while they do say it’s a kind of RTS, it’s more like a Europa Universalis where you kind of point your dudes in the right direction rather than carefully arranging formations and obsessing over build orders.
Water is obviously one of the most important resources for the would-be ruler to manage as it is useful for pretty much everything. But there’s also a “Hegemony” resource, imperial Spice taxes to be paid, regular money, trade goods, intelligence, research, votes in the Landsraad for policies, etc. It does an impressive job of making you feel like you’re trying to rule a planet even when you only have an ornithopter, a squad of dudes, and a Spice Harvester. Each decision has a weight to it, even if it’s “Do I want a second orthinopter to explore or a second squad of dudes?” Or “How am I going to pay my goddamn taxes? Thanks, SPACE OBAMA!”
While not quite as balls-out bonkers as the legendary board game, Dune: Spice Wars has its rhythms and patterns. You almost feel like you’re peering out the window onto this godawful sandy planet, mustering scant resources to finally put House Harkonnen in their place. There isn’t a moderately attractive British woman writhing around at all, maybe because it’s Early Access. Supply is a genuine concern, as sending your troops on a mission too far away will mean they all die in the desert before they get there. You do control something resembling territory, but it’s more like a very perilous string of outposts knitted together by a fragile network of military and civilian bases and infrastructure than lording over a kingdom. And sometimes your entire military gets devoured by a sandworm, gg no re.
Multiplayer isn’t in the current build, but this would be great and fairly slow-paced for game nights, especially if your ideal game night is all your friends hating you by the end of it. I have found many Paradox games are intimidating with a barrage of popups and decisions all flying right into your face when the scenario loads. This has a lot of the same feel and a lot of the same decisions, but Spice Wars is a little more chill. It’s a nice way to dip a toe into 4X grand strategy without having to watch 40 hours of Youtube videos to understand what to do before you unpause.
There are a lot of decisions still up in the air, per their FAQ, so I can’t tell you what multiplayer would look like, if they’re going to have a narrative campaign, or if they want to put it on a console. But per my usual “Is this worth playing even if they take off with the money?” scale for Early Access games, sure. I wouldn’t say it’s as brutally unforgiving as most 4X games, but you will wind up staring at your screen in slack-jawed horror when your carefully assembled offensive gets devoured by Shai Hulud, may his passing cleanse the world. It’s still not an 8/10 British chick in a skintight catsuit implying she wants to have, you know, The Sex with you. But there are ornithopters, so it’s pretty close.
