F*ck. F*ck. Hey, blondie, yeah with the lame-ass Star-Dork headphones, why does that star thingy appear over the “u” when I say f*ck? F*ckity f*cking f*ck. See? What do you mean it’s started? I’m typing? I think I would know if oh I’m typing
Hey what it do nerds? It’s your old drinking buddy, the king of Hot Topic itself, el piscina de muerto, the only character that cool people and incels alike can both enjoy- Deadpool! Since my new movie is officially out (as of May 16th in all major theaters that want a piece of that Marvel money), I figured, “hey, why not look back at my life pre-Disney?” Once the mouse gets me, I’ll probably be thrown in the Disney vault with Nazi Donald and Song of the South, so I may as well have some politically incorrect fun while I can. And what’s more fun than diving into a licensed game from 2013? Most things. Moooost things. But hey, at least there’s a ton of action in my game! You can even use bombs! (nobody tell T.J. Miller, am I right ladies and gentlemen of the Amtrak train line?)
I’m referring to the guy on the left’s dick, NOT mine
Deadpool (me)
Not Capcom, that’s for sure
Exclusively on the Ouya and NVIDIA Shield
$59.99 also check out my patreon
This site wouldn’t take a copy of my game so that’s why I’m doing it.
Alright I don’t know how to start this shit so let’s jump straight in. This game is f*cking tight. Some Diego guy reviewed it when it first came out, and he gave it a ⅗, which is a problematic 2/10 in Polygon terms and a 9/10 in IGN terms. These are both wrong, because my game is a 10/10 without even trying. You can see Rogue in a bikini! You can get stuck in walls! You can motorboat Cable’s dreamy man-gazongas! You can bitch-slap Wolverine! What else do you want? Avengers cameos?! Not for another four years, buddy!
Anyway I don’t remember where I was so let me just say that my game is the best thing since <INSERT 2018 BLOCKBUSTER GAME>. Not only do you play as me, but you can slash enemies guts out with swords! And AND, you can shoot them with guns! There are even bear traps! Sure, using ‘em gets old halfway through the game, but what else are you gonna do to get your X-Men fix? Play Marvel vs Capcom Infinite? LOL
Pictured here are two characters who are not in Marvel vs Capcom Infinite
You get to go through a bunch of hallways, and only some of them look the exact same! You’re probably playing for the hilarious quips anyways right? And who better than-
…wait what?
Way wrote it?
Are you f*cking kidding me?
I thought it was Kelly.
F*ck.
Well shit, Daniel Way wrote the game. So no character development then? All memes? F*ck me I guess. Not literally, though I can admit he is an incredibly handsome man. And Wolverine: Origins was alright. Wait who actually made this game? High Moon Studios? The guys behind Destiny? Oof, they made Destiny 2 too. Two too. Too Two? Too too? What was I talking about?
OH my game! There are definitely almost no frame rate drops below 20 fps. All your favorite X-Men characters are in it too! Gambit plays a keyboard! Cable grumbles! Wolverine gets the shit slapped out of him by me! And you kinda! It’s mostly me though. But if you’re lookin’ for pencil pushers like one-eye and baldy, forget about it. Cool kids only, like me. And Mr. Sinister is the bad guy! Sure, we couldn’t afford Magneto. Or Apocalypse. (not that we’d want to after that film, amirite?) And we definitely couldn’t afford any Disney owned characters. And who the f*ck knows where Namor is at this point. But Mr. Sinister is cool! Especially when you fight a million clones of him at the end! That shit never gets old!
The only thing more defined than my personality is my tush.
I even get my own original villain! I feel like he looks kinda like Kingpin, but not D’onofrio. More like 90’s Spider-Man cartoon beefcake Kingpin. I think his name is Lance White? Pants White? Something White, I don’t know. It’s not a race thing though, that’s just his last name. Good ol’ DP doesn’t see in color. I mean that literally though, it’s probably a tumor thing.
I forgot to bring it up earlier but I totally make out with Death in the game. Eat shit, Thanos. (hey buddy, remove this line from the article if he lives through Infinity War because I cannot back that shit-talk up.)
The Final Words
So in conclusion, my game is the f*cking best game ever made and GOTY forever. It stars Me, it has other minor X-Men in it, and it’s violent. AND it’s the last game with me in it that you little shits will get until Disney implodes into a mess of funko pops. Come on, I make jokes, I shoot people, I look at boobs, and I develop over the course of a post-apocalyptic adventure alongside an innocent younger character who softens me up while I teach them the way of the harsh world. Wait shit that was Last of Us.
